The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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