If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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