Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Randomize
