My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just want nice things and good sex
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
