God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize