My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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