I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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