real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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