If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
