She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize