Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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