I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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