I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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