Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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