dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize