So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
