I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
