dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They have beer where we have blood.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
So apparently I’m into choking now
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