Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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