I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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