btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
