i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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