I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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