I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
