Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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