I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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