4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
