I can text with my tongue
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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