i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
