I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize