I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
