what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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