Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
