onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
