I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
