So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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