at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
