Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
