the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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