God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
