then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
