We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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