your parents love me but you hate me
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
