She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I want a musical about memes.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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