I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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