Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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