here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
