at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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