So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
