If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
