I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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