hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
