so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
