Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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