my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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