i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
