She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
