I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
