I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
