yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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