i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I need water and some morals
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
