ya dads aren't the best wingmen
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
