my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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