My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
