my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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