I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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