You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
